stop and smell the roses

I went for a run this morning which is usually something I look forward to. I never thought I'd like running as much as I do now. But this morning it was different.

This morning I was dragging my feet. I almost felt like I do sometimes in dreams - you know those dreams when you find yourself running but it's like your running against the wind or through sinking sand, you can't seem to run fast enough and it drives you crazy - well that's how it felt and today I wasn't dreaming. The frustration was there though - just like when I'm dreaming the scenario.

I found myself barely even jogging, never mind running. I would try to speed up but it was no use, I'd run for a few seconds but return to my excrutiatingly slow jog after only a few paces.

I was trying to push myself - push my body - to do it but my body was telling me it just couldn't.

I think more than just my feet are dragging these days. I think maybe someone might be trying to tell me something...

I'm sleepy all the time and feeling lazier than I've felt in a while. In class, I can't process information fast enough to actually participate in discussions. At work I count down the seconds until I get to leave, trying to maintain my sanity all the while.

On top of reading all my school books (which I'm actually staying on top of for the time being), I'm trying to make it to the gym at least three times a week, finish editing/rewriting my novel so I can finally get it to a publisher, continue with archery, do family things here and there and teach myself guitar in any spare moments I have left.

I think I may be trying to do too much. And if that's what it is, I think it's starting to have a negative effect on me. But I can't imagine dropping any of the 'activities' currently taking over my life. My impatience is probably to blame for that. Or my weird paranoia that life could end at any time... I might be too aware of how short life on earth is. I don't leave anything for 'later' because I'm afraid 'later' will never get the chance to get here.

Is that my innate worry scratching at my subconscience again?

I really need to practice relaxing. I keep moving, always doing something. Maybe I just need to stop and breathe for a while... forget about worrying - maybe for just a few hours... see what that does...?

I know I'm not alone in this. I'm pretty sure everyone struggles with the busy-ness of life. But maybe it's time to get out of the whirlwind and take some time to just stop and smell the roses. Just relax and realize how incredible life is just by itself. It doesn't need to be jam packed full of stuff in order for it to be enjoyed.

Maybe I'll try slowing things down a little. I guess even though today is all I have, I'll have to have faith that God'll grant me tomorrow. Maybe that's what living in faith is supposed to look like.

So tonight when I get home from school I will let myself go to sleep at a decent hour. Whatever I don't get a chance to do today, I'll hope to accomplish tomorrow. Not knowing whether or not God will give me tomorrow - I think that's what makes each new day really feel like a gift from Him.

Keep it real!

kindred spirits

I had to read some poetry for my American Lit class this morning... well, 'had to read' sounds a little harsh. As soon as I read the first few lines, I didn't need anymore incentive than the poem itself. Pretty much everything this lady spouts out sounds like something I could've written. Granted, she does it a lot more eloquently than I ever could, but that's beside the point.

Anne Bradstreet was born in 1612 in England, I believe. She was married at sixteen and moved to "The New World' at eighteen. I was born in 1988 in Toronto. I've lived here my entire life and haven't found it necessary as of yet to find a husband. Obviously our lives differ completely. I was expecting to read something I wouldn't be able to relate to at all. Instead I found myself reading this passage:

I am obnoxious to each carping tongue
Who says my hand a needle better fits,
A poet's pen all scorn I should thus wrong,
For such despite they cast on female wits:
If what I do prove well, it won't advance,
They'll say it's stol'n, or else it was by chance.

So good!

And, by the by, you may argue that we've come a long way since she wrote this (as far as women's rights are concerned... among other things) and I totally agree - we have. Still, you may not realize how many strange looks I get when I try to break the stereotypes we still accept in this day and age.

Anywho, I need to get to class so I can share my opinions with more people and then get critiqued on them. Yay!

Keep it real!

willpower

Hey, just thought I'd say something to give hope to those who sometimes lack willpower...

You know how in my last post I said I wouldn't spend money on anything, especially movies, for one month? Well, today I was holding Dexter Season 4 in my hands and it was only twenty-five dollars and I put it down and walked away.

That is huge for me.

I still can't fully believe that I did it. I feel more than a small twinge of regret, but I knew I wouldn't be able to live with myself if it only took four days for me to break a resolution.

So, yeah. I wanted to share that insignificant moment (insignificant to the world, not to me) with you all and maybe next time you're feeling like giving in ... to anything, I guess... you can think of that moment. I mean, if I can do it with my favorite tv show at such an amazing price - I think you can summon up a little willpower too.

But, dude - I can't wait til my 30 days are up. Today almost killed me... this is going to be harder than I thought. :(

Keep it real!

Dr. Jekyll - meet Mr. Hyde.

Compulsive Lars has struck again!

I'll tell you what gave her away - it's the new laptop I'm typing on... not to mention the new gym membership in my name at the place just down the road from my house...

Oy vay.

I wish this really was a Jekyll/Hyde situation, but I know I'm totally to blame for my craziness... Hence the overwhelming guilt I feel even as I'm typing on these luxuriously soft keys. I'm not entirely sure I should feel as guilty as I do. I mean, there was a reason to each purchase.

My old laptop has been acting up ever since I got it (it was refurbished, so I never knew it in its younger years) and then yesterday the screen finally gave out. With school starting tomorrow, I knew I couldn't waste much time. Plus, I'm a writer! (or an aspiring one...) I need a faithful computer, don't I?

It felt a little weird to go from busted laptop to brand new one in a matter of hours... I'll admit, I felt a bit like an arse and a lunatic blowing everything out of proportion, but regardless, here I sit... with my new computer...

As far as the gym is concerned - it's all a matter of perspective. My 'old' gym (as of today) was a 20 minute drive away from my house and would probably take about an hour to get to by bus (stinkin' Mississauga transit...). You may know - I don't have a car, so if I wanted to go to the gym, I'd have to borrow the family minivan. That gets irritating. For everyone. So now I'll be going to a gym that I can walk to. No need to depend on Mom and Dad anymore and I'll also be able to get over there everyday (if I really want to) as opposed to the sad two times a week I made it over to my old gym. This was change sparked by: a) my dire need for a little more independence (trying to get places without the family van these days), and b) now that I've made exercise a routine in my life, I'm looking to increase the allotted time I spend doing it.

Having said all that, this morning I made a vow not to buy anything (save for food - when necessary, and transit fare) for at least one month. No new clothes, no bow and arrow (boo), no make-up, definitely no movies - nothing. Until October 12. And even then, I'll be guarding the wallet carefully.

But, hey! I've found myself writing more often and picking up my guitar (and actually learning how to play it for the first time ever) these past few days. Maybe I should stick with those hobbies that don't cost a dime for a little while. They also keep me locked up inside so that could be a good thing for society. The things I do for people. :) I'll come out of hiding when I've gotten a handle on my addiction... well, one of my addictions. I'm still gonna watch youtube into the wee hours of the night, and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

Anyway, I'll get back to doing one of those things and leave you in peace.

Keep it real!

september?!

Is it really Labour Day already? And what's with the drastic change in temperature? A couple days ago I went out in shorts and a t-shirt and was met by the threat of frost bite! ...Well, that's how it felt...

But I think I can deal with autumn... if I can wrap my head around the fact that it's already here. It's no summer, but autumn comes with a few fun things to look forward to. For me, at least.

Autumn means I get to wear cute little fall jackets and scarves that don't actually do much besides look interesting; it means getting to watch everything go from green to incredible shades of red, yellow and orange. Leaves litter the streets, which (in my opinion) makes everything look prettier... until it rains and they just become slush and muck. Autumn means my jeans can finally come out to stay for a while. And, of course, it means going back to school which, no matter how dreadful one might think it to be, is always accompanied by a feeling in the pit of the stomach called excitement.

Winter means snowboarding and plenty of hot chocolate; Christmas... and Christmas Break; getting together with long-lost (well, since September when they went off to school) friends and hopefully a few epic snowball fights. Spring is much like fall in that you get to watch nature change before your eyes - and you can don lighter jackets. Summer is hot and fun and, in cases like this past summer, long.

Every season has its pros. I like that. It makes them easier to welcome.

If you're not looking forward to autumn, maybe this'll help:

Soon enough, everywhere you turn it'll look like this. Personally, I find myself growing a little impatient. Now that it's here, I can't wait to enjoy it!

Oh yeah! One last thing Autumn brings: t.i.f.f.

And the excitement is overwhelming. I'm not signed up to see any of the movies yet, but I just got tickets to a taping of The Hour. :) Should be fun.

Anyway - I think it's time for my day to start. I know it'll involve a bike ride at some point, but that's the only plan as of yet. Right now breakfast sounds like an incredible idea. So... bye!

Keep it real.

Remember Me

I just watched a Robert Pattinson movie that FINALLY redeemed him as an actor! I had seriously lost faith in his acting abilities... you may have read one of my earlier (way earlier) posts that discussed How to Be... and by 'discussed' I mean tore to shreds. But Remember Me was a great movie with a full cast of talented people including Robert Pattinson. He was actually bordering on fantastic, I think. So huzzah!!

This is going to sound so lame, but I finished watching the movie over an hour ago now, and I still have a few renegade tears. Good tears, don't get me wrong. The film was incredibly moving, at least for me. But it pulled it off really well. Usually moving films (not moving pictures, so to speak - you know what I mean when I say moving, right? Like, they get you all swelled up and emotional inside... though almost anything can do that for me... still... I'm off topic.) Sorry, I was saying, usually moving films are something I shy away from. I love them, but I can't handle them. 'Cause they hurt too much to watch. Like A Walk to Remember, Finding Neverland... you know, those kinds of movies I can only watch once ever two years or so, if not three or four. But this one was such a great story, I already want to watch it again, despite the tears I know will come with it.

I don't know if you noticed, but I'm trying to tell you how great a movie this is without giving anything away... I'm not sure I'm doing a good job of it. And I know you'll think I'm biased because I think Robert Pattinson is gorgeous, but you need to remember, I was practically calling down curses on him before I watched this movie. Well, actually, I was praying he'd discover the talent I could see somewhere in him that he hadn't used in the Twilight Saga or How to Be. I was definitely impressed by his performance in this film.

Look, all I'm trying to say is give this movie a chance. Not only does it tell a real human story but it reminds us that the seemingly insignificant moments in life can actually be significant to somebody. A Walk to Remember was a moving love story and Finding Neverland was a moving coming of age ish kind of story. Remember Me is just real life. I think that is what makes it so moving.

Just do me a favor and watch it sometime. It wasn't made for screaming teenaged girls (or weird screaming moms), it's just a story that you need to hear. I'll probably own it pretty soon (when it's on the previously viewed shelves at Blockbuster) so you can just borrow it from me.

In other news, my giant crush on Robert Pattinson has returned. Oh joy. I thought this stage of my life was over. Apparently not.

Maybe school will serve as a nice distraction...

Until next time,

Keep it real!

three little words

There are three words I've been dying to hear and it's getting harder every passing day that I don't hear them.

"Back to school."

Seriously, I never thought I'd say this, but I can't wait for school to start this September. I think it has to do with the fact that: a. I'm taking amazing courses this coming semester and b. Full-time work is slowly killing me inside. Also... yeah, I'm not afraid to say this... I'm in love with learning. Work = mindless, routine activity - day in, day out. School = a clustercuss of brain activity, sometimes... most times... too much brain activity to handle but all I can say to that is Bring It On. (All or Nothing... In it to Win it... sorry, I got carried away, there are just so many movies references there...)

It's only three weeks away! I'll be able to read, write, socialize, sleep whenever I want. My life will be my life again. Sure, I'll have to do things like study and research and write essays on topics I don't actually understand, but at least there's a greater purpose in all of it. Unlike filing - where the only purpose is so that I can find that chart later in order to file it again later...

The fact that I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up (which, I'll have you know, is still far away) just makes me like school all the more. I've got plenty of time to figure out what to do with my life. Right now - fingers crossed for archer in the Olympics ;)

I guess I'll make the most of these last few weeks of working full-time. I mean, the greater purpose to filing is that it's paying for me to go to school, so there is that. Plus, I might be able to buy my own bow soon and practice on moving targets -- I mean, practice in my backyard away from people...

...Tomorrow it's my brother's birthday. Happy Birthday brother!

Keep it real!

food for thought

I have this theory about food. Some of it was inspired by someone else, but I can’t remember who. So, I apologize, Someone Else, if you don’t appreciate me talking about your theories as if they were my own – but you changed my life. I just wish I could remember your name…

Here’s the theory: We live in a society that revolves too much around eating. We eat when we’re bored, we eat when we’re sad, we eat when we’re celebrating (anyone up for some birthday cake?), we eat when we’re watching movies (imagine going to the movie theatre and not chowing down a bag of popcorn with your mates!)… And then, of course, there’s breakfast, lunch and dinner. Special occasions come with feasts (insert name of holiday here: Christmas/Mother’s Day/Easter Dinner); speaking of Mother’s Day – who hasn’t made their mom a delicious buffet known as Breakfast in Bed? On Valentine’s Day we give people boxes of chocolate; “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach;” flick on the T.V. and chances are pretty high you’ll see a hamburger smiling back at you.

Why do I bring all this up? Well I was in the middle of doing my laundry when I got bored. It took all my effort to keep my feet (and stomach) from taking me to the kitchen. I’m not actually hungry. I could probably use a glass of fruit juice, but that’s about it.

I’ve shared my theory with you, but I’m not sure what else I’m supposed to do with it. Am I crazy and just over analyzing everything, or is it society that’s crazy? I’d really love it if you said ‘society’. It could be a little bit of both though. Do we really need to eat something while sitting in a dark theatre with our eyes glued to a screen? I’m gonna go with no on that one.

It gets worse when you think about all the other societies and civilizations through history. With all the draughts and famines, people dying of starvation, or getting diseases from the horrible state their food was in. Drinking alcohol because it was safer than water… many people probably wouldn’t see that one as that bad… But back then, food was just food; sustenance. Now it’s so much more. Why?

I dunno… it’s just a theory.

I think I’ll go get that glass of fruit juice now. Dinner Time isn’t too far away anymore. It would be awesome if I wasn’t counting down the seconds though…

Geez! I just ate three hours ago. This is ridiculous…

Keep it real!