I went for a run this morning which is usually something I look forward to. I never thought I'd like running as much as I do now. But this morning it was different.
This morning I was dragging my feet. I almost felt like I do sometimes in dreams - you know those dreams when you find yourself running but it's like your running against the wind or through sinking sand, you can't seem to run fast enough and it drives you crazy - well that's how it felt and today I wasn't dreaming. The frustration was there though - just like when I'm dreaming the scenario.
I found myself barely even jogging, never mind running. I would try to speed up but it was no use, I'd run for a few seconds but return to my excrutiatingly slow jog after only a few paces.
I was trying to push myself - push my body - to do it but my body was telling me it just couldn't.
I think more than just my feet are dragging these days. I think maybe someone might be trying to tell me something...
I'm sleepy all the time and feeling lazier than I've felt in a while. In class, I can't process information fast enough to actually participate in discussions. At work I count down the seconds until I get to leave, trying to maintain my sanity all the while.
On top of reading all my school books (which I'm actually staying on top of for the time being), I'm trying to make it to the gym at least three times a week, finish editing/rewriting my novel so I can finally get it to a publisher, continue with archery, do family things here and there and teach myself guitar in any spare moments I have left.
I think I may be trying to do too much. And if that's what it is, I think it's starting to have a negative effect on me. But I can't imagine dropping any of the 'activities' currently taking over my life. My impatience is probably to blame for that. Or my weird paranoia that life could end at any time... I might be too aware of how short life on earth is. I don't leave anything for 'later' because I'm afraid 'later' will never get the chance to get here.
Is that my innate worry scratching at my subconscience again?
I really need to practice relaxing. I keep moving, always doing something. Maybe I just need to stop and breathe for a while... forget about worrying - maybe for just a few hours... see what that does...?
I know I'm not alone in this. I'm pretty sure everyone struggles with the busy-ness of life. But maybe it's time to get out of the whirlwind and take some time to just stop and smell the roses. Just relax and realize how incredible life is just by itself. It doesn't need to be jam packed full of stuff in order for it to be enjoyed.
Maybe I'll try slowing things down a little. I guess even though today is all I have, I'll have to have faith that God'll grant me tomorrow. Maybe that's what living in faith is supposed to look like.
So tonight when I get home from school I will let myself go to sleep at a decent hour. Whatever I don't get a chance to do today, I'll hope to accomplish tomorrow. Not knowing whether or not God will give me tomorrow - I think that's what makes each new day really feel like a gift from Him.
Keep it real!